Rabbi Miriam's sermon - delivered Shabbat 8th February 2025
Our parasha begins with the following line:
וַיְהִי בְּשַׁלַּח פַּרְעֹה אֶת־הָעָם וְלֹא־נָחָם אֱלֹהִים דֶּרֶךְ אֶרֶץ פְּלִשְׁתִּים כִּי קָרוֹב הוּא כִּי אָמַר אֱלֹהִים פֶּן־יִנָּחֵם הָעָם בִּרְאֹתָם מִלְחָמָה וְשָׁבוּ מִצְרָיְמָה׃
Now when Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them by way of the land of the Philistines, although it was nearer; for God said, “The people may have a change of heart when they see war, and return to Egypt.”
Why didn’t Hashem didn’t take the people the easy way in? Why did they need to go the longer, harder way through the harsh no man’s land of the desert?
Now as those who have been here for a while know, I have an interest in psychology. Particularly in how we as people can cope with difficulty.
So I present to you the theories of secure attachment, attachment trauma and disorganised attachment.
Secure attachment is developed in very young children when children receive what Dan Seigel refers to as the 4 S’s: children need to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure. Most children, thank God, receive this.
Attachment trauma is when these needs are not met, as a result of abuse, neglect, or a lack of affection.
And disorganised attachment is a symptom of attachment trauma, in which a person develops disregulated and self-sabotaging behaviour, simultaneously fearing intimacy and abandonment.
Where am I going with this?
Well, there’s a common trope around these parshiot of leaving Egypt that Hashem wrought incredible miracles and that the Bnei Yisrael threw these back in Hashem’s face with immediate grumbling.
In our parasha, Hashem splits the sea and immediately there is whining about water. It comes straight away.
In fact the complaining comes even earlier. The first ever words we hear this freed people saying are:
הֲמִבְּלִי אֵין־קְבָרִים בְּמִצְרַיִם לְקַחְתָּנוּ לָמוּת בַּמִּדְבָּר מַה־זֹּאת עָשִׂיתָ לָּנוּ לְהוֹצִיאָנוּ מִמִּצְרָיִם׃
“Was it for want of graves in Egypt that you brought us to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us, taking us out of Egypt?”
Their complaints about water are heard. But as soon as they have water, complaints about food begin. They receive miraculous, delicious manna. And yet we know that before long they will be whinging for meat.
But I’d like to challenge this narrative with the following question: is it not reasonable to ask for fresh water and nutritious food? Is it not reasonable after three days in the desert, to ask your leader “מַה־נִּשְׁתֶּה”, “what shall we drink”?
Are we not being overly harsh to expect this people to live on the miracle of survival alone, and not to need such frivolous things as water and food?
I think so, and it’s time to change that narrative.
I’d like to suggest that the entire Bnei Yisrael were undergoing attachment trauma on a collective level. Slavery is abuse. For over 200 years, our ancestors experienced horrific treatment which conditioned them to labour, to lack of control and oppression to the point that when their baby boys were killed on birth, they were unable to fight it.
Now they are free. But Hashem, the original psychologist, knew about attachment trauma, and knew that when an abused people was released, they would have unhealthy patterns of disregulated and self-sabotaging behaviour.
But Hashem knew that they had the ability to reattach to a new and reliable parental figure. It wouldn’t be simple. They would need to learn by dependence.
And so, looking closely at the sedra, what I see is much less the people grumbling ungratefully in the face of Hashem’s generosity, and much more about Hashem letting them temporarily feel a lack, and then fulfilling each need, to teach reliance.
And every need really was fulfilled. The people cry out about graves in Egypt and immediately the sea opens up its safe passage. There’s a beautiful midrashic offering from R. Nehorai that
“a Jewish mother holding her son by her hand would wade into the sea while her son was crying. His mother took an apple or pomegranate out of the sea and gave it to her son to stop him crying."
He based this on Psalms 106:9:
“Hashem led them through the deep as through a wilderness.”
Just as the Israelites were not short of anything while God led them through the desert, they were not short of anything when He led them through the sea.”
At the other side of the sea, they reach Marah - this is the incident mentioned in Tehillim that we say every Kabbalat Shabbat - and find bitter water after three days without water. The people complain. Hashem shows Moshe how to make it sweet and the verse says:
שָׁם שָׂם לוֹ חֹק וּמִשְׁפָּט וְשָׁם נִסָּהוּ
There Hashem made them a statute and ordinance, and there they were tested.
What does the legal language of חֹק וּמִשְׁפָּט mean here?
The Gemara tells us that at Marah Hashem gave them a few sections of the Torah in order that they might engage in the study thereof… Shabbat, the red heifer and the administration of justice. After this, they camp in Elim with not just one but twelve springs of water.
So again, the pattern of temporary need, fulfilment of the need, an opportunity to teach a lesson, and then overabundant providing. It happens over and over - the clouds of glory which protected from the elements, Miriam’s miraculous well of water, clothing never wearing out, and Manna.
What I am suggesting is that what we’ve always been taught as ungrateful grumbling is reasonable - the very basic need for sustenance. And that its absence is also intentional - that Hashem is slowly retraining this people to have dependence and allegiance to Hashem only.
I had an interesting conversation with a couple of doctors in this community this week about fostering and adoption, and the challenges of building secure attachment with a child who didn’t receive this from their birth parents.
It’s not an easy or linear path, but suggestions from experts include: meeting a child’s needs, demonstrating that you’re present and with them, saying yes to their requests, also being a provider of firm boundaries, but trying to say “yes” seven times to every one “no”.
Does this sound familiar? I think this is exactly what Hashem is doing in these parshiot. And this is why they couldn’t take the easy path in. They had months, which became years, of retraining and building new, this time reliable and benevolent points of attachment.
So what can we take from all this? First, I think a bit of empathy for our ancestors. Let’s reframe the idea that they were rebellious and whingey (although like all children, they certainly could have asked for their needs more politely).
And I think we can learn the value of committing to something long and hard, even when it involves multiple challenges, over a seemingly shorter and easier path.
And so in this situation, we need to look elsewhere for our own secure attachment - and hopefully we can identify many good people around us - our own parents, friends, community members and community leaders. Because it’s not just children but also all of us adults who need to feel those 4 S’s - safe, seen, soothed, and secure.
May we all find many sources of these.
Shabbat shalom
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