Rabbi Miriam's sermon - delivered Kabbalat Shabbat 10th January 2025
Is it ever ok to lie? A little white lie here or there?
The 9th Commandment, contrary to popular belief, is not “do not lie” but rather:
“do not bear false witness against a fellow person”.
So may Jews lie? What about a lie which allows you to keep a mitzvah? A lie which raises more money for charity? A lie which avoids a chillul Hashem? A lie which leads to peace?
Maybe it’s the niche corner of media and social media that I’m drawn to - but I’ve seen quite a bit of anti-lying material recently. In the TV series “The Good Place” Chidi Anagonye, an ethics and moral philosophy professor, faces a dilemma when a colleague asks his opinion about a new pair of boots. Chidi clearly dislikes the boots, which are a garish shade of red and encrusted in crystals, but to spare his colleague’s feelings, he says that he loves them. But the lie escalates when his colleague gratefully buys Chidi his own pair and then declares him his boot buddy.
Back in the real world, two years ago, the journalist Radhika Sanghani decided that she was never going to lie again. She says:
“I never used to think of myself as a liar. I always saw myself as an honest person. The only time I’d ever veer from the truth was to protect someone’s feelings. But that wasn’t really lying, I would tell myself, it was an act of kindness!
And then I had a therapy session, where I realised that all of this was actually people-pleasing behaviour and it turned out I was a prolific liar. Not only that, but according to my therapist, by constantly hiding my true feelings to protect those I loved, I was blocking them from ever getting to know the real me and creating true intimacy.”
So for two whole years, Radhika hasn’t lied, at least not on purpose. She writes:
“It was particularly hard at the start. It would take me hours to reply to a “do you fancy a coffee?” text when my answer was “no”. I would agonise over whether it was true to say, “Sorry, I can’t,” eventually settling on, “I’m not available, but will let you know when I am!”, followed by an excessive number of emojis to soften the blow. And I’d squirm with discomfort every time I had to tell someone something I knew they didn’t want to hear.”
In our parasha, Vayechi, Yaakov gives blessings (some of which, admittedly, don’t feel like blessings) to his children, and he dies. We can probably all think of situations where a family death has brought about a shift in dynamics, and indeed, the very next verse says the following:
When Joseph’s brothers saw that their father was dead, they said,
“What if Joseph still bears a grudge against us and pays us back for all the wrong that we did him!”
So they sent this message to Joseph:
“Before his death your father left this instruction:
So shall you say to Joseph, ‘Forgive, I urge you, the offense and guilt of your brothers who treated you so harshly.’ Therefore, please forgive the offense of the servants of the God of your father’s [house].”
And Joseph was in tears as they spoke to him.
And the Gemara says on this that this was all an alternative truth, i.e. they lied, for the sake of peace, for Jacob had given them no such command. But terrified that with their father gone, Yosef would take revenge, they invented this speech.
And according to a beautiful Gemara in Yevamot, this was justified.
“It is permitted”, says the Gemara, “for a person to depart from the truth in a matter that will bring peace”,
and the proof text is this very verse.
Rabbi Natan in the Gemara goes further, saying:
“It is a mitzva to depart from the truth in order to preserve peace”
“It was taught in the school of Rabbi Yishmael: Great is peace, as even the Holy One, Blessed be He, departed from the truth for it. Initially it is written that Sarah said of Abraham: “And my lord is old” (Genesis 18:12), and in the end it is written that God told Abraham that Sarah said: “And I am old” (Genesis 18:13). God adjusted Sarah’s words in order to spare Abraham hurt feelings that might lead Abraham and Sarah to quarrel.”
So it seems that yes, Jewish texts allow us to lie for the sake of peace. And to answer my earlier questions, we may lie to avoid a chillul Hashem, or to avoid someone sinning, or so as not to inconvenience someone, or for modesty. And my favourite, someone who is shipping fragile objects such as matzah can write the word "glass" on the box in order that it should be dealt with properly. But we may not lie to raise extra money.
So it seems that the brothers were justified in falsifying Yaakov’s statement, to soften Yosef’s heart. But there’s a twist.
The Tur Haaroch a 13th century commentator notices the words וַיֵּבְךְּ יוֹסֵף בְּדַבְּרָם אֵלָיו that Yosef cried when he heard these words. Now it could be that he swallowed the lie hook line and sinker, and was deeply moved by the voice of his father from beyond the grave. But this commentator believed that Yosef had never let on to his father that the brothers had sold him, and so at this moment Yosef immediately sees through the lie, and his tears are more about his brothers' fears and desperation. It’s the lie itself that moves him.
And so Yosef’s response is to reassure them, tell them
“although you intended me harm, God intended it for good, so as to bring about the survival of many people”
and to promise them protection. And finally it says “וַיְדַבֵּר עַל־לִבָּם” he spoke to their hearts.
This is such a beautiful coda to the Yosef story, where at the start we are told that the brothers could not speak peaceably to one Yosef. Here, they tell him an outright lie, albeit for the sake of peace, and Yosef cries and reassures them.
I think we should avoid lying. I love Radhika Sanghani’s encouragement to not even lie about the small things - to be able to tell the truth if we’re not feeling up for meeting, or if we don’t like someone’s new jumper.
And yet I find the end of this parasha (indeed it’s the end of the whole book of Bereishit), so moving. If we have to lie, may it be a lie for the sake of peace. And if we see through someone else’s lie, like Yosef, may we interpret it for good - coming from a place of wanting peace. Like Yosef may we dan l’chaf zechut - give the benefit of the doubt, and have the bigness of soul to be able to reassure the fears in other people that lead to lies in the first place.
Shabbat shalom
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